A number of Fiction in the Forge followers have asked:
Oh Lord of the NRBES is there an easier way? I too want a fully functional right hemisphere, but I can't afford to flay my face with a razor one day and butcher the petunias the next. What can I do?
I read your question, dear blogger, and the first voice I hear is that of my father. He, the king of obscure aphorisms, has always said, "tighter than a bull's ass at fly time."
Apropos of nothing I know, but he always says it. Now, regarding your predicament, there is hope. I admit that even a pliant, adaptable program like the NBRES has it's limits. Sick of watching the knife sweep butter off the toast, across your wrist, and up your arm? Tired of stumbling across intra-office emails that make fun of your personal grooming/appearance? The NBRES is not for everyone. And still, you long for a right brain that serves as more than a counterweight to keep you from veering always to the left.
The solution is simple, but not easy: learn to play a musical instrument.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Natural Right Brain Enhancement System, Part Three
So, how's it going, all you NRBES mavens? By now, squeezing toothpaste onto the brush should be second nature. Brushing competence takes longer, so don't be surprised if you hear a "tsk, tsk" the next time your oral hygenist looks in your mouth. And ladies, take care with the mascara. Too much in the wrong place can cause pink eye by Maybelline, or worse, give you the post-apocolyptic Alice Cooper look.
We move now into the yard and garden. Now, more than ever, the warnings are well heeded. If you've a mind to grab a weed whacker and do it left-handed -- DON'T! The grips supplied by most manufacturers assume right-handedness. I don't want a set of bloody ankles on my conscience. Start with hedge trimmers and shovels, rakes and hand spades.
You may note at this point that your cerebral cortex is not the only whithered, deconditioned part of your anatomy. In addition to poor co-ordination and strength, your left side has zero endurance. Use the hand clippers for just five minutes and you'll know what I mean. When the muscles in your forearm start to burn and your hand contracts into a claw, switch to the right and move on to the next evergreen. The bush just finished probably looks like it was clipped by a blind barber, but the next won't look so bad.
When planting annuals or bulbs, watch your spacing. Somehow your left hadn doesn't have the same sense of balance and proportion that your right takes for granted. Concentrate. Do a corner of the flower bed right handed and use it as a template. Pause frequently, take a step back and look at your work--with both eyes.
Weeding the yard and garden is best done by hand. Pulling stubborn tap roots from unyielding earth is a good work out for the grip. If the use of herbicides cannot be avoided be warned: the novice NRBES disciple should use Round-Up with extreme caution. Better to go with Weed-B-Gone (or a similar grass-friendly herbicide) until your eye-to-hand co-ordination on the left is at least seventy-five percent of what it is on the right. How can you tell when you're ready? If you can't snatch a flying mosquito with your left hand, then don't grab the Round-up with it either. Less than that and your neighbors will wonder if your lawn got scent-marked by a pack of wild dogs with toxic urine.
We move now into the yard and garden. Now, more than ever, the warnings are well heeded. If you've a mind to grab a weed whacker and do it left-handed -- DON'T! The grips supplied by most manufacturers assume right-handedness. I don't want a set of bloody ankles on my conscience. Start with hedge trimmers and shovels, rakes and hand spades.
You may note at this point that your cerebral cortex is not the only whithered, deconditioned part of your anatomy. In addition to poor co-ordination and strength, your left side has zero endurance. Use the hand clippers for just five minutes and you'll know what I mean. When the muscles in your forearm start to burn and your hand contracts into a claw, switch to the right and move on to the next evergreen. The bush just finished probably looks like it was clipped by a blind barber, but the next won't look so bad.
When planting annuals or bulbs, watch your spacing. Somehow your left hadn doesn't have the same sense of balance and proportion that your right takes for granted. Concentrate. Do a corner of the flower bed right handed and use it as a template. Pause frequently, take a step back and look at your work--with both eyes.
Weeding the yard and garden is best done by hand. Pulling stubborn tap roots from unyielding earth is a good work out for the grip. If the use of herbicides cannot be avoided be warned: the novice NRBES disciple should use Round-Up with extreme caution. Better to go with Weed-B-Gone (or a similar grass-friendly herbicide) until your eye-to-hand co-ordination on the left is at least seventy-five percent of what it is on the right. How can you tell when you're ready? If you can't snatch a flying mosquito with your left hand, then don't grab the Round-up with it either. Less than that and your neighbors will wonder if your lawn got scent-marked by a pack of wild dogs with toxic urine.
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